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Broker Ace

These are always fun for me – letters from Investment people who try to talk the talk about finance (I’m an Accountant – have a Degree in Finance). The investing in agriculture is the funniest (obviously not from the civilized world…). I should have been nicer and let this go on longer, but I just love insulting these Investment Experts! My emails are in blue, his/hers are in black, my comments in red. Happy reading!

Hello,

I am an Investment Broker in Great Britain. I have a Client that wishes to Invest her Financial Estate in Your Country, can You be of Assistance as a Partner in Your Country? This Transaction will demand 100% Confidentiality. If Interested reply, and I shall provide Details.

Mr. Douglas Graham

I guess I have a few question about the business you are proposing. Why exactly does your client need a partner in this country? Your client can invest in whatever they want to from England through you couldn’t they? And what is the reason for 100% confidentiality, as you put it? You make it seem like its illegal. This isn’t drug money, is it?

Thomas

Hello,

Thanks for Your Reply to my Mail.

My Client Wishes to Invest her Financial Estate worth $60Million in Your Country or Abroad under Your Direct Supervision, Your Assistance is therefore Needed in Receiving, Investing and Managing the $60Million.

You will be Paid 10% of the Total Amount, and an Additional 10% from the ROI. I will demand Your 100% Honesty, Confidentiality and Cooperation of these Matter. As my Clients Position as a Former Government Official does not Permit Her to Own or Operate an Over Sea Account or Company, as soon as You Assure me You can Work with my Terms then we can Proceed.

Do Confirm Your Interest by providing the Information below, they will be Needed to Prepare a Draft Agreement between Yourself and my Client. And i Assure You that the Information will be used solely for the purpose mentioned above, and i also Assure You that this Transaction will be Executed within the ambits of the Law.

: Your Full Name
: Company Name
: Complete Address
: Direct Phone
: Age/Occupation

I will wait to hear from You, and also provide all above Information.

Mr. Douglas Graham
Phone: 44 702 401 6424
Fax: 44 870 135 2805

I must ask this question – as your client’s Investment Broker, did you counsel them to seek some random person from the internet to help them? That just surprises me – as an Investment Broker it sounds pretty irresponsible and downright stupid. I guess if your client chose some random person from the internet to invest with instead of you, you couldn’t be that good of an investment broker anyways. Send me a copy of the draft agreement so I can let my lawyer review it as well as some form of Identification.

Thank you very much,

: Your Full Name – Thomas Payne
: Company Name – XXXXXX XXXXXXX, Inc.
: Complete Address – 1422 Lake Road, Medina Ohio 44256
: Direct Phone – 330-666-9269
: Age/Occupation - 39

Dear Thomas,

Thanks for the Mail.

I will want to Assure You that this Transaction is 100% Legit, and I will ask for Your 100% Honesty, Confidentiality and Cooperation. As we shall be Transferring the Investment Funds to You, and You shall Handle the Management of the Funds on Your Name of behalf of my Client.

I will therefore want You to Have Trust on Me, as much as I have for You. This is a Mutual Beneficial Transaction, and we both stand to Gain 10% of the Total Funds of $60million Excluding additional 10% on Investment Returns.

Will You be kind enough to give Your Terms to Work with me too? Do give me a Call on +44 702 401 6424, I am in Manchester in Great Britain.

Mr. Douglas

Dear Thomas,

Thanks for the Mail.

Your Assistance is Needed to Receive, Invest and Manage my Clients Funds. I want You to give me an Over View of how You Plan to Invest the Funds in the Area of Real Estate and Agriculture, as my Client is Interested in this Areas.

I will await Your Mail.

Mr. Douglas

I resent my earlier email to you again because you didn’t bother to answer any of my questions – almost like you didn’t even read my email.

Thomas

You are an Investment Broker, correct?

Dear Thomas,

I have Approached You in Good Faith and Mean no Harm, I Contacted You after my Search for a Reliable Partner for my Client, and have not Contacted You from a Random Search. I have already Informed You on what to do, I look forward to hearing from You.

Mr. Douglas

Hello; If we are going to be partners in this, then I think communication is the key to success. I read your emails thoroughly and completely and I do expect you to do the same for mine. In my email I asked you if you counseled your client to find someone that they don’t know from the internet to secure this money and become their business partner. You didn’t answer this question along with what website did you find my contact information on. As for your client’s wish to invest their money into real estate and agriculture – I hope you counseled them against this. I do agree to the terms that I have heard so far – 10% share of the money to assist in the transfer. As for a detailed list of any other duties or involvement I might have, you need to send me the Partnership Agreement for me to view. I can’t really agree to terms if I don’t know what they are, can I?

Thank you and I look forward to speaking with you again,

Thomas

Dear Thomas,

Thanks for the Mail.

I have Explained to You that I have Approached You in Good Faith and mean no Harm, if You are Interested to Work with me do let us Proceed. Instead of this Questions from You.

I will want to have a Confirmation of Your continued Interest, so we I can Proceed with Plans with You.
Mr. Douglas

If you refuse to answer my questions, then no, I am not interested in working with you.

Thomas

Dear Thomas,

I am Writing to Notify You of the Change of my E-mail Address, that has led to my De-Activation of my Yahoo.Com Account for Security Reasons. Somebody Broke into our Network, and stole some Vital Files from our Office. It is still being Investigated, and I Decided to change the E-mail for our Communication. Do Reply with an Attachment of the last Email I sent You earlier today, please do Bear with me as I am only being Cautious.

Mr. Douglas

Maybe if you stopped using free email accounts to conduct confidential business, that wouldn’t happen. Are you going to answer my questions or not?

Thomas

Dear Thomas,

What are Your Questions again Please?

Mr. Douglas

I am assuming that since you are an Investment Broker in England that you do know how to read English – am I correct? I thought I was pretty straight forward in all of the emails that I sent you. Do you need me to translate my questions that you still haven’t answered into another language that would be more to your liking? It is obvious from your emails that English is not your first language.

Thomas

Hello,

I am still awaiting for what questions to my last Mail to You, please do Reply through my MSN Email as I am having a little Problem with my yahoo.com Account. Reply through: douglas_graham0001@msn.com.

Mr. Douglas

I am assuming that your last email means that because your mail account was shut down for whatever mysterious, magical reason, that you don’t know what questions I asked you. Is this correct? What I asked first was did you counsel your client to find some random stranger from the internet to partner with for investments purposes when you are an Investment Broker. That must be a slap in your face that your client no longer wanted to use you which they have easily done. After all, there is no restriction for you to invest in anything you want in America. My other question was what was all this nonsense about Real Estate and Agriculture? I hope you, almost being competent, counseled your client against this. I am also waiting for the Agreement Form you promised me a while back – what is the hold up on that?

Thomas

If you canot treat this as a serious matterthen I will be forced to find someone else to invest my money in. my clients wishes are to invest in the agriculture industry and real estate in you country so you should not question this. We had to find a foreign partner to aid us due to the nature of this transaction.Reply

Mr. Douglas

First of all moron, it is not your money, it is your client’s, who felt that it was not safe for you to invest with. Your client would rather invest it with a stranger from the internet than with you, so don’t tell me that I am not serious. Also, I am still waiting on the partnership agreement because as of now I don’t even know your client’s name or anything about him/her. So please do something constructive and let’s get a move on.

Thomas

If you insult me then I will tell my client to find someone else to assist us in this progect. I donot derserved to be spoken to as such.

Mr. Douglas

Once again, you are far from being right. Think about it – you are an Investment Broker and a client chooses to trust a stranger rather than for you to invest her money. That means you must be incompetent. Are you prohibited from investing in the United States – of course you’re not, your client just didn’t want any more to do with you because you are obviously a moron. And to make matters worse, she tells you to find someone else for her – so now you are just a little errand-boy. That must be humiliating! I could be a grade-school dropout, but she trusts me more with her money than with you, an Investment Broker? That means you must be the most incompetent buffoon on Earth. So don’t give me all this rubbish about how to speak to you – but I will say that I want you to address me as Your Lordship from now on, you blundering fool.

Thank you,

Your Lordship
Thomas Payne

Can you believe it – I never received a response from this. Was it something I said, or was it the way I said it?

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